SHE’S IN MY THINKING
I opened my eyes and
they fell on my wrist watch. It was past five already. I had been sleeping for
more than three hours. I had refused to miss my afternoon nap since I wrote my
final examinations.
While still in bed, my final CGPA,
the last thought before I fell asleep, was still my waking thought. Despite all
efforts I put in, I was not able to wallow out of the quicksand of Second-class
Lower. I made frantic efforts to move up during the last year but I had gone
down too deep. That afternoon when my final CGPA was announced to me, I almost
collapsed. It was 3.40; instead of the much desired 3.50. Only one more step to
Second-class Upper. I was disappointed in myself. I was finished! My hope was
shattered! The thought of a bleak future weakened me. I walked wearily back to
my room and dumped myself in bed. I didn’t know when I slept off.
I was still rolling in thought when
Emma breezed in. He calmed down when he saw me as if to let a sleeping dog lie.
I saw his tall frame in a black suit, over a white polo shirt and jeans
trousers. He was chuckling as he approached me. Looking at him, I was sure he
had something to say. He always had something to say, you know. What could it
be this time? Whatever, I have no time for his humorous trivial.
Emma’s
sense of humour combined with his philosophical outlook on life made me call
him “wise clown”. Emma had been a good friend of mine since my second year in
the University, when he was a freshman. We met in the Christian Union and he
had remained the only Christian friend who understood my spiritual predicament.
While I was trying to understand
what the wise clown was up to, he sat on the only sofa in the room and covered
his face with a news magazine. Then I remembered telling him in the morning
that I was going to see my final results today. That’s it! I couldn’t hide it
from him, anyway.
I turned away and face the
glass-down window that walled my side of the room. I pulled the curtains and
looked through the louvers. I could see many parts of the campus from that
third floor. Examinations were ended and the school was being deserted. The
notorious female hall of residence that used to wear multi-coloured night-dress
of activities lay like an abandoned harlot, stripped of excitement. Only few
males were seen around her.
I couldn’t see the library from
here, but I was sure no student remembered it existed. I remembered the number
of tasking hours I spent in there and the result – Oh, it made me shiver.
I was lost in my thought when I
heard a distant voice calling me. I turned to Emma and asked, “Did you say
something?”
He had changed position from the
sofa to the table and sat just beside me. “What’s up, bro? Your thoughts are
deep.”
“Don’t pull my leg, man. You already
know.”
“True, I don’t know. I can only
guess.”
“Guess then.”
He stared at me for a moment and
said, “Tell me about your result.”
“You wise clown! Haven’t you seen it
all over me?”
“Of course. It’s all over you. But
it shouldn’t tie you down.”
“Only one step, bro.” I sat up as if
I was going to take the step. “One step remaining to hit it!
“Yes friend. But you shouldn’t allow
one step backward to stop you from going more steps forward. You shouldn’t
allow what you don’t have to stop you from enjoying what you do have.”
“It has already stopped me from
enjoying one of the best things in life.”
“It shouldn’t stop the rest.”
“Where do I go from here? Where do I
go with Second-class Lower?” I covered my face deep in my hands and rubbed them
down with a deep sigh. “It’s sad that everyone knows that I’m brilliant. How
does it compute that I’m in two-two? They’ll not believe it.”
“What’s your problem, Temi? Tell me
what’s wrong with you. You’ve got yourself a gentleman’s two-two, a three
pointer, and you talk as if you’re the worst student on campus. You can’t
continue worrying yourself lean! Don’t you see that you’re good? You don’t
think about guys who are in Third Class, or even others who are not graduating
because of loads of carryovers. You’re better off, man. Please count your
blessings.”
You don’t compare me with those
guys. They didn’t read, not a fraction of what I read!”
“And so you’re ahead of them!” He
paused. But I didn’t respond. “Come to think about it, Temi. Don’t you think
you’re a hero?” He paused again and searched my face. “You lifted your CGPA
from almost nothing to a three pointer in two sessions. That’s heroic. Don’t
you think?
Emma was right. I caused the snag in
the first place. I had to study hard to
raise my head out of the rubbles.
I nodded in agreement. Emma
continued: “Einstein dropped out of school. Bill Gates didn’t make it to
college. Wole Soyinka finished first
degree with third class. Today they are celebrated as best brains in the world.
Are you still asking where you can go from here?”
The humorous manner with which he
asked that question made me laugh. We both laughed.
“Look at you, worrying yourself
lean. Cheer up and enjoy life! Let’s go out tomorrow.”
“Where?”
“There are two big events tomorrow –
a birthday party and a praise night.”
“Tomorrow’s end of semester praise
night?”
“Bro, you’re too far from
fellowship! We’ll make the two, right?” he asked and didn’t wait for me answer.
“We’ll be at the party first, and then come back to campus for the praise
night.”
“The party’s out of campus? Who’s
celebrating?”
“Florence, my cousin. Remember her?
She has been here a couple of times.”
“Yes, but I’ve lost her face.”
“You’ll pick it up tomorrow. We move
by three. A deal?”
“Deal”, I answered reluctantly.
I reached out to my
goals for the session, posted on the wall at my reading table. The first was
“To make second class upper!” I was sad I didn’t make it. I didn’t achieve my
most important goal that session.
I looked down the checklist. I had
achieved the other six goals. Suddenly, it dawned on me: if I have achieved six out of seven goals, I shouldn’t be sad. I should
rather be glad! I should have a sense of fulfillment for once. The skies are
not coming down. And even if they are, we can receive them gladly. Others have
gone through this way and have made the best of it. What’s wrong here? I should
put my problem in perspective for once!
I got myself spoken to and I stood
up to face the challenges. As I stood up, I saw the problem sat down! I went
violently for it and it knelt down begging. “Listen
to me,” I spoke to it, “You aren’t going to ride on me. I’m your master and you
must remain under my subjection. If you dare make any move of taking my place
again, I’ll keep you under lock and key!”
That did it. I felt freedom like
cold breeze blew over my face. It was my angel.
“Good!”
Long
time no see.
“You’re still long time away from
reality.”
It’s
that why you people failed me?
“You failed yourself, young man! The
issue of academic success is 95 percent human.”
But
your 5 percent makes 95 percent difference.
“Yes,
if you’re 95 percent committed!”
He
was gone. I relaxed and thought about it. Then, in a jiffy, he was back.
“Haven’t
you learnt your lesson enough? How long will you stay away from home?”
I’m with the Lord. I prayed this
morning.
“Excuse
me! You prayed? Did you hear Him? Did you care to hear Him speak to you?
Communication is two way, young man.”
That doesn’t mean I don’t love the Lord. I
might not love Him the way you do but…
“Point
of correction! The way you used to.”
Yea…the way I used to…well…
He was gone.
I woke the following morning with a sense of
fulfillment and a feeling of dissatisfaction in my spirit. I tried to let the
former override the later. I was in that state of mixed feeling when I took a
nap in the noon.
It
was Emma who woke me up. He was in designer’s jacket. “Dress up and let’s be
going. I’m going to pick up a gift in Surulere and we’re going to Apapa road.
I
rose and made for the bathroom.
“Don’t
tell me you’re going to have another bath.”
“I
haven’t had one today.”
“Time
is not on our side.”
“We’re
going in your car. Aren’t we?” I asked as I walked into the bathroom.
“That’s
not enough. We are picking the gift in Surulere and we have to pull through the
traffic in Ojuelegba.”
“Yea, yea, I know. I’ll be with you
in a moment,” I shouted under the shower. I rushed out of the bathroom and
dressed like my friend.
The traffic was building when we zoomed past Ojuelegba
to Ogunlana where we picked up the gift. From Ogunlana Drive we headed for
Akerele to Masha where we joined Western Avenue via the National Stadium. Then
we drove straight to Apapa Road.
We
pulled down in front of a large mansion and we were ushered to a grand
reception, the best I had seen in recent times. The entire compound was
lavishly decorated with curtains, balloons and flowers. The cake paraded itself
on a bright and colourful platform. Waiters were everywhere dressed in clean
white long-sleeve shirts and orange trousers or skirts, with orange bow tie to
match. Music played softly.
Emma
led the way as we pulled through guests to the balcony of the main house. The
security personnel at the glass door saluted Emma and opened to us. We entered
into a large well-furnished sitting room where a few guests were seated. We had
not settled down when a girl dressed in white gown like a bride came running
toward us.
“Emma!”
she screamed. All eyes in the room turned to them as she dumped herself into
his arms.
“Flozy
baby!”
“Dad
is worried about you. You must see him immediately.”
“Come
on, Flozy. Hey, it’s your birthday! Happy, happy, happy birthday!”
Emma
introduced me. Then she took us round the room introducing us to everyone. When
she came to two lovely girls she said, “Guys meet my great friend at school,
Amina and her cousin, Aisha.”
Both
girls were fair. Amina dressed heavily like her friend. Aisha dressed like a
typical Hausa girl with a white shawl around her shoulders.
As
the instant I met Aisha’s eyes something flashed in them and attracted me to
her. She smiled shamefully while I wondered what transpired at that first
sight.
After
the introduction, Florence drove Emma upstairs and came for Amina a moment
later.
We
were served chilled wine.
As
soon as I tasted the wine, I turned in Aisha’s direction and our eyes met. She
smiled. I couldn’t miss the green light. It was like scales were cast off my
eyes and I could see an angel beside me. Her beauty glowed, her eyes sparkled,
and she radiated an aura that seemed to fill that room.
“The wine
is refreshing. Isn’t it?” I began.
“Yes,
it is.” She answered and stared at her glass as if the question came from
inside.
“Aisha,”
I called gently. “Were you at the same school with Amina and Florence?”
“No,”
she answered quickly, her eyes glued to the glass.
“So,
where were you?”
“Pardon?”
“I
mean which school did you go?”
Government
Girls Secondary School.”
“I
never heard of any such school in Lagos.
“It’s
in Nasarawa.”
“All
the way! So what are you doing in Lagos?
“Looking
for admission into Unilag.”
“You
don’t say.” I was really excited to hear that. “You’ve got it!”
“I
hope so. It’s quite difficult.”
Amina
and Flozy appeared on the staircase. I thought they were coming our way but
they passed by and went out of the room.
When I turned back to Aisha she began her own round of
questioning. “What do you do, Mr…”
“Temi.”
I helped her. “I’m a student in Unilag.”
“How’s
it on campus?”
“Fashy
and funny.”
“How
do you mean?”
“Can’t
find better words to describe it. Things are simply flashy and funny out there.
It’s like every body’s trying to be who they are not.”
“Have
you been up north?”
“No.
why do you ask?”
She
shook her head and kept quiet. I wanted to break the silence but I thought I should
let her. A moment later, Amina came to call us to come outside for a toast.
After
the toast I wanted to keep the conversation going, so I asked Aisha, “You
schooled in Nasarawa. Are you Hausa?”
“No.”
“That’s
surprising. You’re not Hausa and you’re from Nasarawa.”
“I’m
not an indigene of Nasarawa. I only grew up there. My parents are from Jos.”
“Interesting.
But you speak Hausa.”
“Yes,
of course.”
“Sanu yarinya.”
“You
speak Hausa?”
“Not
fluently, yes, but enough to communicate.”
She
was very happy. It showed all over her. “You know since I came to Lagos you’re
the first non-Hausa person I have met who could speak Hausa. How did you come
about it?”
“I
learnt to speak from my childhood friends. There were couple of Hausa families
in my neighbourhood.”
Since
that discovery, Aisha became closer, and she hardly spoke English to me again.
When
Emma finally came down, he was surprised to see how close Aisha and I had
become, and he expressed it. I tried to explain to my friend but it seemed
words could not express the chemistry between us. Let me express it this way:
I met you for
the first time
As an
encasement
Full of
dreams and fears
Chemically
combined together.
The content
of my mind brimming over,
I tiptoed to
your doorstep and
You embraced me
in your
Mysterious
compound
Of humane
elements,
Neutralizing
my fears
And
precipitating my dreams.
The residue
was weighed
And it was
found to be chemically unbalanced.
What
transpired during the chemical reaction?
What flawed
the law of conservation of mass?
A nuclear
reaction in our emotional makeup?
The inference
to this chemistry is a puzzle.
Who can tell?
We were driving back to campus when I heard him.
“You’ve
got yourself a babe!”
My angel?
“Yes,
who else do you think I am. Come on boy, you’re doing great. You want her,
don’t you? I know you do. Now you’ll
shake her.
No, I …
“Yes,
come on be a man. Shake her!” he screamed.
Yes, but I…
“You’re
not serious,” he shouted at me. “You’ve got yourself a sweet banana. Shake her!
Touch her! Hmm… Enjoy her!” He screamed.
Yes, but who’s that?
He’s
gone.
“Not
I.”
Who?
“You’ve
got yourself a new friend.”
Yes, her name is Aisha.
“Not
the girl. The guy. You’re getting yourself into real big trouble with this guy
around you.”
Who?
He’s
gone.
“I
want the best for you, man. I want you to enjoy yourself. You are about to hit
it big, okay, if you’d listen to me. Now listen to me and listen good!” he
keeps shouting.
My
angel doesn’t shout. He doesn’t force his way. So I asked, Who are you, Mr. Loudspeaker?
“You
know me. I just helped you get a beautiful girl for your enjoyment! And I did
it because I want the best for you. See, I’ve packaged in her things that make
for life and enjoyment. And she’s all yours to enjoy. Simply open her up in
your mind. See what I mean? Come on then, shake her… enjoy her…
Hmm, I see…
“Are
you not going to come down from the car?” It was Emma. “Hasn’t that girl got
you?”
I
shook it off, my heart beating fast. “I’m sorry,” I said as I came out of the
car.
We
were at the chapel already. The magnificent building was heavily lighted and
one could hear music from the outside. Ushers were out there to receive us.
The
music was good and the fellowship sweet. But I was not so much interested in
the activities in the chapel as my mind was filled with Aisha and reveled in
the beauty of the new girl in my life.
The
speaker came up afterward and spoke as if he knew what was in my mind. Taking
his text from Romans, he spoke vigorously against me and my newly found affair:
“For they
that are after the flesh do mind the things of the flesh; but they that are after
the Spirit the things of the Spirit. For to be carnally minded is death: but to
be spiritually minded is life and peace. Because the carnal mind is enmity
against God; for it is not subject to God, neither indeed can be.”
“The mind is the faculty for thinking and
imagination. We think in pictures. When we think, we form series of images
reeling across the screen of our mind. This series of images is what we call
imagination.
“The imagination is God’s special
gift to us. He gave us to in order to help us to be creative like Him. You can
use it to create pictures of beautiful things…and, of course, ugly things!
Think of a beautiful garden full of colourful flowers. Can you see it? See
yourself walking inside the garden. See the trees. You can hear birds singing
in the trees? You can smell the sweet fragrance. Can you? There’s a stream
running across the garden. Can you see it? Oh, it’s beautiful! Now think of a
girl or guy you like so much, both of you walking hand-in-hand inside the
garden…
“Now, come back!” (He said it sharply and a roar of disapproval rang in
the auditorium. Obviously, everyone was dreaming. And I was gone with Aisha.)
“If I don’t call you back, you can
go on in your imagination. The point I’m trying to let you see is that you have
the power to imagine. This power is God’s special gift to you. He gave you this
ability to help you to be creative like Him.
“But many young people misuse this
gift of God. You misuse your imagination when you use it to create pictures
that God has forbidden. Young people enjoy using their imagination to create
nude pictures in their mind, and by so doing abuse God’s special gift.
“Immoral thinking defiles you. It
makes you unclean and unfit to relate to your Maker. It degrades you and makes
you lose your self-esteem.
“There’s a mysterious way in which
what we think about day and night becomes a reality. If you don’t stop it, it
will stop you! Soon you’ll carry out what you think about. That is why wise
king Solomon said, ‘As a man thinks so he is’. Immoral thinking makes you
immoral.
“Why do many young people think
immorality? Immoral thinking is gratifying; people derive pleasure in it. That’s
why they wouldn’t give it up easily. But the Lord warns us, ‘Whoever looks at a
woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart.’
“To be carnally minded is death. To
allow immorality in your mind is to embark on a suicide mission. If you refuse
to disengage your mind from immoral thinking, you make yourself God’s enemy.
And our God is a consuming fire!
“So He’s calling you to remove
immorality from your thinking. He is calling you to holiness of heart and mind.
This must be your goal even if you feel you cannot do it. The Lord can help you
if you will allow Him.
“Now the Lord stretches out His hand
of love to help you overcome your wrong thinking. If you’re willing to let Him
help you, come right to this altar and I will pray with you.”
That was a short and serious message I’d heard in
recent times. Apparently, everyone in that auditorium was moved by it. It was
for me and I felt like going out to make it up but I also felt alright. I’ve
given my life to the Lord. The call is for people who haven’t done so.
I was
touched as I saw guys and girls getting out of the pews and making it down the aisles
to the altar. Obviously, the Spirit was making waves across the auditorium and
cries of contrition filled the air.
I was
moved out of my seat. Then I heard him, “Don’t be a fool!” He shouted me down.
“Look at brothers and sisters. Do you see any one of them at the altar? These people
going to the altar are newcomers. You should rather be praying for them.
Alright?”
Somehow, I didn’t buy his argument,
but while I was dilly-dallying, the final prayer was said and the meeting was
over.
I saw myself on a shore of interminable ocean cuddling
my catch. It was dawn. The sun rose stealthily pouring her rays on my head.
Nobody was in sight but my pearl. I was going to pocket it, but it turned out
to be a damsel smiling stylishly at me. I was taken aback. But she offered her
hand and I took it. I looked up at the sun: her smiling face has turned to a
scowl. I shunned her and led my pearl away.
In a
spell, the sea turned to a desert of sand, terracing in torches of mirages into
the horizon. Now everywhere around us was dark – thick darkness that seemed
impassible – saving for the hot torches of sand before us. We began to trudge
along.
Suddenly,
sand storms rose against our journey and she shared her shawl with me. It was a
long journey, so long that our clothes turned rags due to age, except the white
shawl, which was as white as ever. We continued to trudge along. We were weary but couldn’t stop. Our eyes
were fixed to the horizon. We climbed up and down the rolling heaps of sand,
expecting hope to welcome us, but it seemed light-years ahead.
Soon,
hope glowed in the horizon. The glimmer of its appearance was a wave of delight
that enlivened our worn-out bodies. Our cloths were renewed, as new as when we
left the shore of sands. Out strength was revived. We rose up with a start,
looking surprisingly at each other.
The
surrounding turned into a green field. Excited, we spread our arms to embrace
each other. But she disappeared. It was dawn again and I was alone at the shore
of an interminable ocean.
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